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In 1978 and 1979, Hillary Clinton managed to trade cattle futures so successfully that she made over 10,000% on her initial investment of $1000. This is remarkable on a number of levels. First off, she was new to trading and had no formal trading. She is, if not the most talented, one of the luckiest traders in the whole world. Let’s take a look at how Hillary managed to so effortlessly make so much money in under ten months.

In order to grasp the totality of the situation, let’s get a brief (and admittedly shallow) understanding of the stock market. With the stock market, you buy and sell small pieces of a company in an attempt to make money. People buy stocks when they thing its price will rise, and sell when they think its price will fall. Shorting is another aspect to the stock market. When shorting, a trader essentially bets that the stock is going to lower in price. This allows people to make money on stocks losing value. To further increase potential monetary gains, a trader can margin trade. Margin trading essentially equates borrowing money from a broker to increase the amount of stock you can purchase. This increases the risk however, because the ticking time bomb of debt is now involved. As volatile and unpredictable as the stock market is, the futures market is even wilder. In the futures market, traders have less flexibility when to buy and sell.

When first starting out trading, people are often advised to trade on paper without risking real money. This is to minimize any the inevitable losses of a beginner trying to trade. The futures market is an extremely fickle and dangerous beast, and very few experienced people are able to make consistent monetary gains. So when the First Lady of Arkansas, with many political connections, makes a boatload of money, eyebrows tend to get raised. I’m sure that all her connections didn’t have any factor in her success.

Just for kicks, let’s take a look at Hillary’s trading advisors at that time. One of them was James Blair, a lawyer. Coincidentally, he also provided outside council to Tyson Foods. Tyson Foods is a pretty big company. I wonder what they sell. Oh look, chicken wings and French fries. Nothing much to see here. Oh wait, they sell beef too? Wow, what a coincidence that Hillary was trading cattle futures with people who had connections to a cattle company! Who did James Blair trade through? A guy named Robert Bone. Well, it turns out that Bone was a Refco (more on that later) broker. He was also a former Tyson executive. Another funny connection to potential insider information in the very industry that Hillary was trading in.

So we know about Robert Bone and how he worked for Refco. Let’s learn a bit about Refco to see what type of trading company it was. After all, in an industry plagued by insider trading and fraud, it’s important to see whose services Mrs. Clinton utilized. Refco, a fairly typical trading firm seems to not be operating any more. It seems that in late 2005, it was discovered that the CEO, Phillip R. Bennett, had hidden over $400 million dollars in bad debt. Upon further investigation, it turned out that Bennet had been funneling money through an entity that was controlled by himself.

Sure, there’s been a few bad actors in Refco in the recent past. Hasn’t every company had a scandal or two involving millions of dollars? Let’s look back and see if there are any other problems that pop up. It turns out that in 2001, Refco was ordered to pay over $40 million after one of its brokers cleared trades with fake order tickets. Also, in early 2005, the company was implicated in a scam known as naked short selling of a company’s stock. I guess Refco isn’t exactly a squeaky clean company after all. Now that we’ve established the trustworthiness of the brokerage firm that Hillary used, let’s get back to the meat of the story. Just how amazing was the future first lady’s trading?

The majority of people who try trading (stock or futures market) win some but end up losing a lot more. Traders often either end up broke or quit after realizing the futility of trying to time the market. New traders are by far the majority of the financial losers, as they are not used to the irrationality of the market. Hillary, against the odds, managed to pull off an 80% profitable trade rate. She wasn’t a grizzled veteran either. Hillary was either extremely lucky, skilled, or had insider info. As we all know, the Clintons have a squeaky clean track record so the third option is definitely not possible.

I’m sure Hillary is just a very talented and empowered womyn. After all, the fact that the brokerage firm she used has been involved in multiple scandals shouldn’t cause us to do a double take. The fact that her trading advisors most likely had insider connections to the market she was trading in shouldn’t raise concerns. Just because economists at the Universities of North Florida and Auburn state that the odds of Hillary’s trading success were at best 1 in 31 trillion, we shouldn’t mistrust Hillary. Just for a better picture of the previous statistic, an individual being struck by lightning is 41 MILLION times more likely to happen than Hillary pulling off the feat that she did. I’m sure this is the case of an extremely skilled woman. With an honest woman this gifted with handling money, it would be a crime not to put her in charge of our economy. I’m not a sexist pig. I’m voting to put this exceptional woman in control of the most powerful country on earth.